I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?