My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.