*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
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Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.