Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
You Might Also Like
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.