[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
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[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.