I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
house sitting!
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know