You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
White parent Vs Arab parents
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.