I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
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Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]