addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
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“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Spell check is for lasers.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.