How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
You Might Also Like
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Oh deer
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”