me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.