Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Practicing safe sax
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.