Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
how to exercise your calf muscles
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Pretty much! 😂👀
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality