me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
had to make it
do what now??
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.