I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
You sure about that?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.