Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
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COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Breaking news:
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…