What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
me irl
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.