Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
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Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
at ease…shoulder.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.