Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
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ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
🙂🐾
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.