No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.