Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake