work smarter, not harder
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Good morning.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*