last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
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last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*