Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.