[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
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I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.