Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
They also CAN sing✌️
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.