I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I hope this email punches you square in the face
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.