Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative