BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
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My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
The glockness monster
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.