I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
“Why you watching this shit?”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*