Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
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Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*