me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
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Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Pretty much! 😂👀
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish