I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
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Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Me trying to look natural in photos
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Holy moly
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?