boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
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Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie