Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.