(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people