[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
You Might Also Like
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)