Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
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Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader