*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
You Might Also Like
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.