Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Good morning, Twitter x
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Breaking news:
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”