Gross if literal…Liverpool
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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
When he asks for feet pics
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no