[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
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It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna