escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
me irl
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out