‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.