Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.