“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Pringles
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Omg 🤣
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.