Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
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[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
That 👊
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?