How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
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Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
doing your own taxes
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!