When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
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ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.