I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
You Might Also Like
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
bought wrong eggs
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Catercrombie & Fish
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.